Gains and Losses Since Becoming a Mommy

Throughout my journey to becoming a mom, and in my first almost 3 months of parenthood, my life has changed pretty drastically. "Having a baby changes everything." It really does. There are moments of pure joy and moments of feeling like a failure; some days filled with desperate tears and others filled with laughter. And my son is only 12 weeks old. It's been an adventure. Here are some of the things I've lost and gained along the way.

Things I've lost:

• Sleep. My baby is definitely not sleeping through the night. The sleep deprivation is rough and that's no exaggeration. Hopefully, he'll sleep through the night soon. But even then, I know he won't sleep in. Moms are always up pretty early most mornings, even on the weekend.
• Money. Babies are expensive. The cost of diapering and feeding and clothing, omg.. and again, he's only 12 weeks old.
• Time alone. I can't remember the last time I did something by myself. I can't even shower when I want to, I have to wait until he's either napping or when Mike comes home from work.
• Spontaneity. Hubby and I used to jump in the car at a moment's notice and start driving wherever we were going. We would go to either a restaurant or the store, or whatever. Now, we have to "be spontaneous" when Caleb is well fed (otherwise he'll have a melt down in public), in the daytime, and only after packing the diaper bag full of diapers, wipes, bottles, etc.

Things I've gained:

• The ability to love someone at first sight, deeply and unconditionally.
• More respect for other parents. If there's one major lesson I have learned, it's that parenting isn't a "one size fits all" type of deal. Every parent is different, and every child is different. What works for someone may not work for me, and vice versa. Cloth diapers vs disposables; breast milk vs formula; natural birth vs an epidural; bed sharing vs using a crib. I have to agree that a happy mom equals a happy baby, and you just need to do what's best for you and your baby without judging.
• The ability to handle all things yucky without thinking twice or gagging. So far this includes snot, pee, and poop. I'm still not sure if I can handle vomit though, lol. My husband is still working on this, lol.. he still gags when changing poop diapers.

Through all the tough moments, parenthood is so worth it. When my little boy smiles so big at me, all negativity melts away and my heart overflows with pure love.

Being a mommy is just the best.

Love,
Tiare

Free Write

It's been four weeks since I've been to the gym.
Was going to go yesterday, but I decided to be nice and let my husband sleep after his 24 hour staff duty.
So I just stayed home and worked out and watched baby.
I miss the gym! I hope I can go today. But Mike keeps getting off work late.
Caleb woke up for his 7am feeding this morning and he spit up in his bed. It went all over his face, neck, and blanket.
I felt bad for him so I let him go back to sleep on my chest. He woke up 30 minutes later. I laid him next to me and he fell asleep snuggled up to my shoulder.
We both slept for an hour and 30 minutes.
Woke up at 9:30am.
Played with him a little.
Fed him at 10am.
He knocked back out at 10:20am.
It's 11:27am now. He's still knocked out.
Ate Wendy's for dinner last night.
Grilled chicken wrap and chili for me (tried to get a "healthier" option)
I don't even know what my husband got. Probably a baconator and fries and a crispy chicken wrap (he's one of those that can eat whatever he wants and not get fat -_-)
I need to get back into reading again.
I used to read at least 1 book a month.
Now I feel I have no time to read.
And if I do find time, I just don't feel like reading.

Love,
Tiare

Free Write

11:20 am.
I've been up for 2 hours.
I'm too young to feel this old!
I finally get to go back to the gym today. If only I could teleport to the gym on days I just don't feel like driving.
I don't feel like cleaning today. Or cooking. So I guess we'll just have leftovers. There's not enough hours in a day for me to get everything done. Babies are hard work. The day goes by so fast. I do everything in increments whenever Caleb naps, but I still don't get to everything I wanted to do during the day. Bedtime approaches within what it seems like only after a few hours of being awake.
Sigh. It's exhausting!
You know what else is exhausting?
Loneliness.
Mike was away for work. For almost 3 weeks. Then he came back, had a good weekend. & then had to go back to work & had a 24 hour staff duty.
I don't know what it is, but when I'm by myself for extended periods of time, I just feel...
bored.
Blah.
I guess I have Caleb, but he can't talk.
I guess you could say I like having the company, other than my baby.
Oh, Friday. Will you just hurry up already?

Love,
Tiare

Survey Sweetness

TEN HOW'S:
How did you get one of your scars? Chicken pox.
How did you celebrate your last birthday? I believe Mike and I went shopping, but I'm not sure.. lol.
How are you feeling at this moment? Pretty great, actually :)
How did your night go last night? It was nice. Mike took all the night feedings the whole weekend, so last night I felt refreshed to do them again.
How did you do in high school? I did well.
How did you get the shirt you're wearing? I bought it at Wet Seal. I think.
How often do you see your best friend? Not often enough, that's for sure! Sucks living so far away.
How much money did you spend last month? Uh, I don't know. 
How old do you want to be when you get married? Too late - I was 19.
How old will you be at your next birthday? I'll be 25.


NINE WHAT'S:
Your mother's name? Carolyn.
What did you do last weekend? Mike and I just spent quality time together, along with Caleb.
What is the most important part of your life? God, family, and friends.
What would you rather be doing? Living in Hawaii.
What did you last cry over? I don't remember. Probably not being able to calm Caleb.
What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? A hug from my hunny. Unless he's the one who's made me upset, lol. Then Caleb's smile makes me feel better. Or praying to God.
What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? Shared interests, overall nice guy.
What are you worried about? Interviewing for jobs when we move back to Vegas.
What did you have for breakfast? Nature Valley granola bars.

EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? In high school.
Have you ever had your heartbroken? Of course. 
Have you ever been out of the country? Nope. I'd love to though!
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? Yes.
Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend? Yes.
Have you ever had sex on the beach? No.
Have you ever dated someone younger than you? Nope.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Yes.

SEVEN WHO’S:
Who was the last person you saw? Caleb.
Who was the last person you texted? Mike.
Who was the last person you hung out with? Caleb.
Who was the last person to call you? Our cable/Internet company.
Who did you last hug? Caleb.
Who is the last person who texted you? Ashley.
Who was the last person you said "i love you" to? Mike.


SIX WHERE’S:
Where does your best friend live? In Vegas.
Where did you last go? To Burger King.
Where did you last hang out? At home.
Where do you go to school? I already graduated.
Where is your favorite place to be? Anywhere with people I love! 
Where did you sleep last night? In my bed.


FIVE DO’S/DOES:
Do you like someone right now? My husband.
Do you think anyone likes you? My husband.
Do you ever wish you were someone else? Nah.
Do you know the muffin man? Yes, I know the muffin man!
Does the future scare you? Yes and no. It scares me, yet I'm excited for it!

FOUR WHY’S:
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? Because they're awesome, basically.
Why did you get a Facebook? Peer pressure :)
Why did your parents give you the name you have? They liked it I guess.
Why are you doing this survey? Because I can. And Caleb is napping. Although he just woke up right now.

THREE IF’S:
If you could have one super power what would it be? Teleportation.
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? Nope.
If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring? An airplane (with a pilot, of course).

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:
Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you? Never.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? Sure, hair grows back.

ONE LAST QUESTION
Are you happy with your life right now? Yes, I really am. Mike and I are working on bettering our marriage and it's going great so far, we have an awesome son. Life is good :)

Love,
Tiare

It's Alright

Dear Caleb,

Even though this has been the longest and hardest almost twelve weeks of my life, it's alright. There are still days when you scream for what seems like hours on end and I can feel the doubt, guilt, and anxiety creeping in, but when you look at me with your beautiful eyes, those moments of chaos and confusion seem to go away. Even though there are times when I have been puked on, peed on, and pooped on, it's alright because I'm your mom.. and that's what moms go through apparently, lol. Our house isn't as clean as I would like because I spend the majority of my day trying to calm you down. I try to remember that things will get better, hopefully.. lol. Even though my hands are dry and cracking from all of the washing of bottles and my hands, I reassure myself that I'm trying my best to keep you germ free. You create more dirty laundry than I ever thought possible. My back is breaking from the lifting, bending, and carrying. My world has been turned upside down and sideways by you being here, but it's alright. Things will fall into place eventually. Even if I question things, I know deep in my heart that it's all worth it.

Since the moment you arrived on this planet, our time together has been nothing like I thought it would be. You've been lots of trouble lately, lol :) But it's alright though, because I wouldn't trade one second of it for a different experience.

You have my heart tangled in your tiny baby fingers.

Love,

Your Mommy

Insomnia

I wonder why I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed around 10:30, but I didn't close my eyes until about 1-2 in the morning. I tossed and turned for hours. I need more sleep. Caleb wakes up when the sun rises so I am up too. With that said, I can feel today is going to be a long day. I'll probably be cranky.

I miss sleep so much. You would think that taking care of a baby all day, that by the time I lay down I would be out like a light. Nope! I'm wide awake forcing myself to fall asleep.

I want to be in La la Land with Caleb too! Sheesh!

Love,
Tiare

Things I Don't Want To Forget...

The way your cheeks are all soft and warm after you wake up from a nap

The way you grab my finger when you're drinking your bottle

The way you laugh when I make faces at you

The way you snuggle up right into my shoulder when I let you lay in bed with me

The way you're so quiet in the tub and you look up at me like it's the best bath in the world

How you love to "talk" and coo in the mornings. You're definitely a morning person

Snuggling with you after your feedings, all cuddled up in my arms

The little sounds you make when you suck on your pacifier

Watching you fall asleep as your eyelids get heavier and heavier and you smile right after they finally close

Your new baby smell. So sweet and comforting

That precious smile of yours. It makes the whole world melt away

Love,
Tiare