As I sit here, I'm struggling to think of the words to best describe that day. I have gone over it a thousand times in my head, thought about how to explain the emotions, the tears. I guess the only way to start is to start. Here goes.
On Thursday, September 1st 2011 around midnight, I noticed pink spotting. I passed it off as nothing big until it turned bright red. I was also experiencing cramps. They were very painful and came and went. I immediately called my doctor's office and the medical assistant told me she'd call back after she notified the doctor. She called me back and said to go to the ER. Around 1am, we got to the ER. They kept me there for several hours, hooked up to an IV and monitored me and the baby. They confirmed that I was having contractions. They gave me medicine to ease the pain and stop the contractions. Thankfully, they stopped hours later. However, I was still bleeding a little bit but it wasn't heavy, so they weren't worried about it. Around 7am, I was discharged and they sent me home. I was told to make a doctor's appointment that same morning. The office didn't open until 9am, so Mike and I picked up some McDonald's breakfast on the way home. I took a little nap and at 9am, I called to be seen and made the appointment for 10am.
As I was getting ready for my appointment, I started having the contractions again. This time they came back stronger. I wasn't too worried because I thought it was just going to be the same thing that happened. I drove to the office myself because Mike needed to get some sleep in case he had to go in to work.
I arrived at the doctor's office and the contractions had stopped. They did a vaginal ultrasound. I saw the image of Jr. and asked if everything was okay. I remember the tech calling in for a nurse and her telling her that the wand wasn't even inside of me. I immediately thought that couldn't be good. I asked again if everything was okay and she told me that my doctor would tell me everything. After my ultrasound, I was seen by my doctor and she did a pelvic exam. Seconds after examining me, she pulled away from the table and, expressionless, though calm feeling in her voice, she said, "You're about 4cm dilated. You're going to deliver today. Since he's only 23 weeks, there is a chance that you may lose this baby." I remember tears immediately falling down my face, I couldn't speak, I was immediately weak. She asked if Mike was here and I told her no. I called him what seemed like a million times and there was no answer. I knew he was sleeping and his phone was probably on silent. I was so scared and worried, all I wanted was for him to wake up and pick up the phone. I gave up and let the doctor know that no one was picking up. She told me she would notify the police to go down there and notify him. Thankfully though, he woke up and called me back before she got the chance to do so. I didn't know how to tell him, I just blurted out "We might lose the baby!" as I cried. I'm sure he panicked all the way over to the hospital.
The ambulance arrived at the office and I was put on a stretcher and rolled out the office. Everyone around me was trying to comfort me. The medic asked if they did a pelvic exam or ultrasound at the ER. They didn't. The nurses said they weren't allowed to do a pelvic exam. The medic told me they should have. We got to the hospital around 12pm and I was wheeled to a delivery room. Mike arrived and I was so relieved to finally have him by my side. I was put on medications to stop the labor process. They also put steroids to speed up Jr.'s lung development. A catheter was put in, since I was now restricted to the bed. They did another ultrasound to see the position of the baby, and he was still head up.
As the medication took effect and the contractions began to fade, the doctor informed us that our situation was going to go one of two ways: either we'd deliver today or in the next few days, with little chance of the baby surviving, or we could be in the hospital for 4, 5, 6 weeks, waiting. Weeks?! Mike and I hoped and prayed it was the second case.
Looking back now, 2 years later, this has been kind of hard trying to remember everything. It just made me sad realizing that I shouldn't have deleted tumblr or at least saved that story. Stupid me! Anyway, back to the story...
A few hours later, as I was just laying there with Mike next to me, I felt a pop inside, and a rush of warm liquid. My eyes widened and I look at Mike. "I think my water just broke," I said. Mike hurried to call for a nurse and she and some other nurse came. It was happening. The very thing we prayed against was going to happen. There was no stopping it now. I didn't even push. It was 3:56pm, September 1, 2011. Our tiny angel was out during a contraction. There was no way of holding him in. They told me he was trying to breathe. I heard him. He was placed on my chest, wrapped in a blanket. His tiny body was warm and he barely moved. We talked to him, told him how much we loved him, repeated it over and over, and cried. He let out a tiny little coo and my heart melted. Several minutes later, he stopped breathing. He was gone. The nurse took him away for his bath and for him to be weighed and all that. He was 1 pound 2 ounces. 11 inches long. They brought him back after he was changed and everything and we got to spend as much time we needed with him. When we were ready, I was discharged and sent home with a keepsake memory box filled with his clothes, footprints, hospital bands, all that stuff. I didn't want those things at the time. I wanted my son back.
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We had to cremate our son. It felt unnatural. There is nothing that seems right about having to cremate (or bury) your child. But, I'll forever have my sights set on heaven, and I'm looking forward to my reunion with Jr.
In these past 2 years, Mike and I have been able to smile again. I no longer feel like the people who lost a child. I no longer feel like people look at us and feel sorry for us.
My heart wishes he was still here. He would be 2 years old today. Crazy! If he were here though, Caleb wouldn't be. And I couldn't imagine what life would be like without him. I can't wait to hold Jr. again though. Until then...
Tiare
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